Picture it: BBC Television Centre. 1980. A young nubile round arsed teen enters a high-flying producers office. "You want a job?" the producer heavily breathes. "Then you better rearrange my Target novelisations into release order rather than story order.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. First of all to set the scene: it's important to remember what a wholesome institution Dr Who was in the early 80s. Dr Who started in 1963 after Sydney Newman and Verity Lambert had one bong too many and thought it would be a shit hot idea to make a TV show about a time travelling Grandad who lived in a Police Box. To ensure the show was a success they cast known racist, anti-semitic homophobe Billy "Willem" Hartnell in the title role.
Despite the vast majority of his fellow actors and production staff commenting that Billy was a bit of a wanker, we know they were wrong. Yes, it's true, Carole-Anne Ford, Peter Purves, Innes Lloyd, Michael Craze and Anneke Wills may have said what a twat he was but Maureen O'Brien contests that that's just all jazz-talk d'ya'git me? Flash forward: Patrick Troughton, Doctor number 2. The less said about all the families he had tucked away that only survived thanks to his Dr Who salary the better... and onto the 70s, with action man Jon Pertwee!
Jon was so committed to the role that he thought to get a good feel he should probably shag his companion, leggy bimbo Katy Manning.
After 3 happy years "working" together Manning suddenly decided to quit, and Pert's main-man Producer Barry Letts sorted it so "nice arse" Liz Sladen took her place.
Sadly, as Sladen refused to give Pert a blowie he was soon recast with Bohemian rebel Tom Baker. Tommy B took the nation by storm and to this day remains the nations favourite Doctor. He infamously tried it on with all his female companions. Sladen said she'd "never spend a night out with him" again, Mary Tamm laughed and said "OOOOOOH Dahhhhling", and Louise Jameson punched him.... Lalla Ward however was smitten as a girl could be.
Lalla succombed to every desire Tom demanded and they were soon married.... but their marriage was as doomed as Romana & the Dr's, and this was the time when JNT grabbed the reins of the Dr Who wilderbeest. It was then that JNT hired bum-boy Mattieu Waterhouse to function as Lalla's replacement as a huge fuck you to Baker. JNT oversaw all remaining Drs of the original run comprising sitcom star Peter Davision... and two other guys. One of them also had the surname Baker.
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But we digress. JNT presided over Who with his partner Gary Downie. And there was DEFINITELY nothing dodgy going on. Recent rumours suggest some 'superfan' aided JNT and Downie in acquiring young malewho fans for their own pleasure...
But any rumours are unfounded and it is still unknown who this alleged superfan is. But anyway, who fucking cares? Right? Fannyfans? Just tell this lot to FUCK OFF! Put your dicks away and stop interfering with my Dr Who marathon! What a fucking JOKE!!!!
