Episodes 12-13: Doctor Who in a load of old bollocks with a possessed TARDIS. Or Something.

After the major disappointment of seven flabby and overlong episodes featuring the Daleks the though of watching more 60's Dr Who was enough to put me in a coma. However, even with the X Factor on at the moment I thought I'd be brave and take an hour to watch the next adventure since it appearred it was only two episodes long...

The Edge of Destruction

Oh yeah, so I'd completely forgotten about the exciting and nail-biting cliffhanger at the end of the Dalek story. You know, where everyone fell over a bit. The action picked up straight away as everyone starts getting up and looking like they're all suffering from a really bad tequila and gin cocktail hangover.

"Please tell me I didn't shag the Dr last night"

Ian then appears to be suffering from some sort of amnesia as he says to Babs -

“You're working late tonight Miss Wright” - maybe he is starting to repress all that has happened because he is finally succumbing to guilt from the attempted rape and murder of one of his students. The amnesia doesn't last long but for some unknown reason the lot of them are acting really fucking weird and Susan suddenly develops a phobia of the food machine.

"This bacon doesn't have any salt on it! AGGGGH!"

Susa continues to get more and more agitated and freaked out, like someone on a really bad acid trip, and then starts screaming that there's "something" inside the ship. Right. Whatever Love. The TARDIS doors then open for no reason, cue comedy moment when Ian walks towards them and then they close. LOL! Susan's trip finally gets too much for her and she passes out. Thank fuck.

"Watch the Old Man - I'm taking her for some fun"

Ian uses the opportunity to drag Susan off to a bed. He lays her down and starts preparing to violate her unconcious body. Unfortunately for him, before he has a chance Susan wakes up again and is not happy. She has now learned to fight back, and she goes after her ex-teacher with a pair of scissors.

"Do that again and I'll cut your dick off"

In a sick twist she can't bring herself to harm her abuser, so she just attacks the mattress instead. Cut to Babs who is having a go at the Doctor for being an old codger (she's still trying to keep him busy as she thinks Ian is raping Susan, remember) and starts babbling that Susan might be right and something might have got on the ship blah blah whatever. Having been unable to finish Ian off Susan then takes her scissors and goes after Barbara.

Scissor Sisters

Obviously Susan's not gonna hurt anyone as that would be too interesting. But then she starts rambling on about the ship being invaded by shadows and possessing them. Well what she actually says is "it could be in one of us"... dirty bitch. After she has recovered (sort of\) they're all hanging out in the control room again and the telly in there starts up a slideshow which for some bizarre reason really freaks them all out.

Now settle down and watch Star Trek

It's then Dr Who's turn to go psycho as he accuses the teachers of sabotaging the TARDIS. And then Barbara has a nervous breakdown after seeing a melted clock and a broken watch (don't ask - I've no fucking idea what is supposed to be going on). The Doc then convinces everyone to drink some of his whiskey which I think he had laced with something as everyone passes out. He then decides to get in on the pervy action by copping a feel of the sleeping Barbara, however before he gets a chance someone from behind gives him a massage.

Dr Who's cum face

Seriously, what the fuck was this episode about? What a fucking JOKE! It was awful! All I can say is that in the next episode these shadows or whatever the fuck they are better show themselves. And they better be seriously awesome creepy ass monster things like the shadows in Babylon 5.

The Brink of Disaster

Surprisingly (not) it turned out to be Ian giving the Doc a massage. Well isn't that nice? The Doc still doesn't trust Ian or Barbara... there's still no sign of any monsters... the Doc wants to ditch the teachers and shove them off the ship... but he doesn't. Yawn. Where the fuck are some aliens?

"While you're down there..."

Susan appears to a funky music sting. A foghorn goes off. Still no aliens. There's not even any mention of the tantalisingly promised fucking shadows from the last episode. Ian spazzes out and decides to massage Barbara as well.

"I'm getting good at this now"

Dr Who then goes into hyperbole overdrive spouting bollocks such as: "The ship is at the point of disintegration!", "We are on the brink of destruc - of destruction!", "All four of us are to blame!" and best of all "Could it be possible... that this is the end?". And I've no fucking idea why he says all this shit, where he actually gets the idea that they're in danger from, or more importantly what the fuck is going on? Why did the clock melt? Barbara says some bullshit about time stopping and then catching up or some fucking nonsense and then the Doc theorises the ship is trying to tell them something is wrong. WHAT? Where are the aliens? Where are the shadows?

The Dr preps his hands for Barbara tit gropage

And do you know what it fucking was? It was a fucking stuck spring.... WHAT THE FUCK? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE? HOW DID THAT MELT THE CLOCKS? HOW DID IT CAUSE EVERYONE TO GO PSYCHO? WHAT!? WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!

High Tech 60s prop

And as for the characters - well no-one seems bothered about what a nutcase Susan had been at all. Ian forgives the Dr far too quickly for accusing them and trying to force them off the ship, and although Barbara is a bit hesitant at first to forgive him it just takes some bollocks about how “as we learn about each other so we learn about ourselves” and Babs falls for it. Stupid bitch.

"Barbara can you help me with this raging stiffy I have?"

Seriously, the whole story is utterly diabolical. It makes that crap with the cavement look good in comparison. Avoid it like the plague.

Next Time...

The cliffhanger to the next story has the gang landing on a snowy mountain where they find a giant footprint, so I am hoping for some fun shenanigans involving the abominable snowman. It's gotta be better than The Edge of Fucking Destruction, right?