Episodes 5-11: Doctor Who and the DALEKS!

"Oh Boy Oh Boy OH BOY!" Were my thoughts when I first picked up this DVD case, I'm only on to the second Dr Who story and already it's time for the DALEKS! I mean, DALEKS! Those iconic, um, things that everyone loves to hate! I was so happy and really thought the Daleks would help make that godawful caveman bollocks a distant memory. So, let's crack on...

Part 1: The Dead Planet

Although I was a bit pissed off at the end of the Caveman story that it looks like Dr Who and the gang had landed in another crappy fucking jungle set I was relieved that this jungle is a much better one, it's a bit freaky and there's lots of weird shit in there like stone lizards.

A stone lizard... ooooh scary!

As the TARDIS crew have a squiz at the forest it is interesting to see that at this point there is still some menaced directed towards Susan by the schoolteachers, as Ian cruelly smashes up some flower Susan picked in some kind of clear psycho headfuck with her. To be fair, at this point though I was on Ian's side as the stupid cunt Susan didn't check the fucking radiation meter properly and the gang are wandering about in DANGEROUS levels of radiation! Stupid fucking bitch!

Never seen a fucking flower before? Bitch.

As the gang  continue to soak in the deadly radiation Dr Who drops a massive bombshell to the teachers - he might never be able to get them home! Ooops, bet you're wishing you weren't such a pair of nosey perverts now, ay? Dr Who, then being a particularly malicious bastard continues to try and piss Ian off even more by continually getting his name wrong calling him Chesterfield when he knows full well that Ian's surname is Chesterton. Although to be fair it is a stupid name. Ian gets his own back on the Doc though as they spy a "magnificent" (ahem) city from the forest and Ian refuses to let Dr Who go down there, and subtextually I think there's a clear threat of violence if the Doc disobeys.

City supplied by Blue Peter

So far, so boring, where are the fucking titular DALEKS to? (Ha, titular) The story then grinds to a complete fucking halt as the crew troop back into the TARDIS to arse about playing with a food machine. Seriously? Is this supposed to be exciting? Am I supposed to be wowing? Were 60s audiences amazed by this? Or were they sat there wishing for the fucking pottery wheel show to come back on?

Dr, with zis food bar you are really spoiling us!

Blah blah, still no Daleks. Where's the DVD case? The tension is then supposedly amped up as after the interminable food machine bollocks there is a mysterious tapping sound. Ooooooh! And Susan starts banging on about how she's sure someone groped her in the forest even though no-one else could see or hear anyone. Ian was in a mood with her so it wouldn't've been him. Maybe Barbara though...

Barbara goes in for another go

Anyway, just as they are all about to piss off and go somewhere else the TARDIS... doesn't work! What could be wrong? Well conveniently, Dr Who checks and oops-a-fucking-daisy some important piece of equipment is out of gas (well, mercury, but whatever) and so he declares they have to go to the city to look for some as he hasn't got any left. I mean, seriously, the others buy this story far too easily and as such the lot of them just plummeted in my opinion as they are clearly completely gullible morons.

Chillaxin in the radiation-drenched forest

So the freaky foursome head off for the city, but just as they do, they see a weird metal box outside the TARDIS. Has Susan dropped her pencil case or did someone else leave it? No matter, they just throw it in the TARDIS and head off. STILL NO DALEKS! They get to the city to find it all spooky and empty. Ooooh. It's also all futuristic and science-fictiony looking with funny corrdiors and low doorways. As they investigate Babs is seperated from the rest of them and, and, and.... is MENANCED BY A SINK-PLUNGER! A DALEK! Yes! Just at the end of the episode we see a Dalek arm! About fucking time! I have high hopes for the next episode...

Agh! You had that down the toilet!

Parts 2-4: The Survivors, The Escape, and The Ambush


DALEKS! Yes, DALEKS! But, they're a bit naff really. The Daleks we see here are nowhere near as cool, kick-ass or awesome as the amazing flying super-wicked Daleks that I saw on telly menancing David Tennant. They look smaller, they move clumsily, and they can't even fly. Plus they're a bit namby-pambyish at times. When Dr Who, Susan and Ian first see them a Dalek shoots Ian and... it gives him a dead leg. Seriously, it doesn't even permanently paralyse him it just gives him a dead fucking leg! What a joke!

Daleks! About fucking time!

The Daleks decide to tell the guys a long and fascinating(!) story about how they had been at war with someother people on the planet called "Thals" and there was a nuclear bomb that mutated them and made the planet all irradiated (yeah that's why you're all feeling ill because you have radiation poisoning you twats) and also Dr Who admits that there's nothing wrong withe the equipment and he tricked them. The Daleks then lock them all up (rather than exterminating them for some reason) but out of the kindness of their hearts they let one of the four go back to the TARDIS to get the pencil tin they found on the off chance it had drugs in it in a strange leap of deduction. Ian is gonna go but pretends that his legs are still bad and so they get Susan to go instead (bastards) even though she's fucking terrified.

Susan has the drugs and now has to go back through the forest - boo fucking hoo.

After some yawn-inducing scenes of Susan running through the forest and having psycho-flashbacks to things people were saying she gets the drugs from the TARDIS and sets back off. As she does, she encounters a vision of Nazi perfection - a big blonde bloke who looks as gay as a Elton John's hairstylist - a Thal! - and he gives her even more drugs to take back. The Daleks decide to be all chummy with Susan and let the 4 prisoners take the anti-radiation drugs. They then get the dumb teenager to write a letter to the Thals saying how they want to be friends honest and that they should come for a big party. I smell shenanigans!

 

A friendly Dalek brings food for the TARDIS crew

To give the regulars some credit they realise that as the Daleks are still holding them prisoner they're probably not that keen on being best mates with the Thals. They cook up a dastardly plot to escape, involving a cloak that Hunky Thal gave to Susan, a bowl of water, and some mud from the bottom of Barbara's shoe. The gang scuffle with the Dalek waiter that has been attending to them and mange to get the top off. Inside the Dalek is a big blob! Ew! They throw the blob in the corner of the room and, in a moment of utter madness, Ian gets inside the Dalek casing! Fucking hell, genius I grant you but I would've got claustrophobic like mad!

Taking a Dalek's top off - kinky!

By this point I was getting a bit bored to be fair, and was still feeling let down by the crapness of the Daleks - the Daleks in this story can't even move over carpets because they're apparrently powered by static electriciry - bollocks. Luckily, the escape plan grabbed my attention again and to be fair there was quite a bit of tension. Ian manages to get the others past all the Daleks and into a room with a lift in it before the Daleks realise what is happening. Dr Who and the women get in the lift but have to leave Ian because the floor had been magnetised! Oh no! And the Daleks are welding through the door to get to him! DRAMA! Will Ian escape... well he's a regular so of course he fucking will.

Damn it! The bastard escaped!

So yay, the gang are out and they can escape back to the TARDIS and live happily ever after. Oh shit, expect for that fucking letter Susan wrote about the party that the Daleks posted to the Thals. Dr Who thinks tough shit he aint helping the Thals, but Ian decides to be all hunky and GO BACK INTO THE CITY to warn the Thals that the Daleks are a bunch of lying twats. Well Ian, you'd be a bit more impressive if you actually DID SOMETHING! When he's snuck back into the city some old geezer who I guess is the Thals leader is standing around giving a speech about peace and shit, and Ian decides to stand around hiding behind a corner until he's finished speaking! Nice one Ian, thanks to you he gets exterminated (although about bloody time someone was exterminated!).

Toilet Roll, anyone?

Well he at least does manage to get the others out, and they all escape back to the forest to hang out with the other Thals. Before they leave some Bimbo Barbie Thal Bird tells the Doctor all about the yawn-inducing history of their planet, and Ian tries to urge the Thal men to go back to the Dalek city and kill all the Daleks before they have the chance to kill the rest of the Thals. Blah blah blah, so is the story gonna end now? Finally they decide to just leave and let the wuss ass Thal losers die quietly, but, but, but, THEY'D LEFT THE FUCKING PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN THE DALEK CITY! What! What! WHAT!? This story STILL isn't over! There's more episodes! For fuck's sake!

There's 3 more episodes left... Dear God...

Parts 5-7: The Expedition, The Ordeal, and The Rescue

*Breathe*, OK so I've calmed down a bit now and have accepted that there's three more episodes left of this story. Or I had until I started watching. The basic storyline of the last 3 episodes is that now Dr Who, the Teachers, the teenager and the Thals are all going back to the Dalek City. Again. But despite it taken them minutes to do so in the earlier episodes this time it's going to take a tears-inducing three episodes to trek back. What a fucking joke!

I'm taking the bimbo, you benders probably don't know what to do with her anyway

After about ten fucking minutes of Ian trying to convince the pacifist twats to help them, they split into 2 groups. Dr Who, Susan, Hunky Bloke and Bimbo head to the city from the front, whilst Ian, Barbara, Hunky Bloke 2, Stocky Bloke, and some Generic Thal Gun-Fodder take it from the rear (snigger!). You just know that when someone says "only a fool would attack the city from the lake" that minutes later they will be planning to... attack the city from the lake, and sure enough going the back way entails going through the elusive lake.

A lake mutant! Eek!

To amp up the tension even more, back at Dalek city the Daleks have been doing experiments with the anti-radiation drugs. They have discovered that they have become dependent on radiation (REALLY??!) and as such are gonna blow up another nuclear bomb!

"What's the ticker tape say?" "We've run out of milk."

Blah, blah, whatever. As they prepare to traverse the lake (aka a puddle) Barbara flirts outrageously with Hunky Thal 2, the slag, I thought she was shagging Ian? And the mysterious puddle turns into a whirlpool to swallow up one of the generic fodder they took with them, seemingly just to provide us with an appropriate cliffhanger.

Dizzy, my head is spinning, like a whirlpool...

Moving swiftly on as no-one spares a tear for their deceased companion, "going the lake way" actually seems to mainly entail going through some fucking caves (or "through the mountains" as they put it). Meanwhile, they should all be kicking themselves as the Dr's group have effortlessly got to the city from the front way (the easy way) and the Dr and Susan are in the city sabotaging the Dalek computers while Ian and that lot are still in the stinking caves.

Take that! Dalek slags!

But the pair of them are not careful enough and are captured. Again. And the Daleks still don't kill them. But instead just decide to tie them up and explain every detail of the plan to blow up their nuclear reactor instead. As you do. Meanwhile back in the caves Stocky Thal is being a whiny cowardly cunt probably because the writer thought he needed some more character drama or conflict. Or something. But it's just fucking annoying for the viewer, so I was absolutely elated when the twat fell down some cliffs to his death. But they still dragged the whole thing on for far too fucking long.

Just die already!

Boo Hoo, what a sad fucking loss, oh woe, everyone's fucking gutted and they think they've failed until... Ian finds a hole in a wall that goes straight through to the Daleks' boiler room! Hooray! The race is on now in the tension-filled final episode! I was on the edge of my seat! Would the good guys win? Would the Daleks explode their reactor and kll everyone? And why do they need to countdown from a hundred before they do it? To answer all of these questions... yes, no and I have no fucking idea.

Take that! And that! And this!

Yes the day is saved! The Thals are free. The Daleks are all dead (or so it seems) and Dr Who and company are off on another adventure! Which apparrently involves falling over a bit judging by the cliffhanger to the next story, I can hardly wait...


In Conclusion

Well it was a bit shit, wasn't it? Seven fucking episodes of just trekking back and forth between the Dalek city and the forest. And the Daleks were seriously disappointing. They are even shitter when you factor in the fact that the Thals - the most lame ass alien race ever seen on tv or film - are able to kick their asses at the end. I mean - they're able to defeat them just by throwing rocks! ROCKS?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! How the fuck did the Daleks go on to be so popular after this story? I can't believe they ever bothered to bring them back.

Character wise, the characters are all... well, pretty much as they were in the first story. Dr Who came off even worse though, a right vicious old cunt, tricking the others into exploring the city, and never wanting to help the Thals even when he's the one that got them into trouble.

Susan carried on being a whiney little brat, only the whole incident with the radiation meter makes her incompetent as well. Get her blasted into space ASAP in my opinion!

Initially, Ian came across quite well, seeming to care more about the Thal people than Dr Who did, but on closer inspection it just seems like all he really cares about is looking all hunky. The incident when the Thal leader was blasted and Ian stood by and let it happen is particularly telling.

Barbara was just a slag-tastic cock tease. Although I grudgingly admit she was resourceful with her idea to make mud using dirt from her shoes to slap onto the Dalek's eye stalk. I'll be keeping an eye on her.

OK, to be fair the story wasn't THAT bad but at seven episodes it was too fucking long. I just seriously hope the next story is shorter, please...