Episodes 12-13: Doctor Who in a load of old bollocks with a possessed TARDIS. Or Something.

After the major disappointment of seven flabby and overlong episodes featuring the Daleks the though of watching more 60's Dr Who was enough to put me in a coma. However, even with the X Factor on at the moment I thought I'd be brave and take an hour to watch the next adventure since it appearred it was only two episodes long...

The Edge of Destruction

Oh yeah, so I'd completely forgotten about the exciting and nail-biting cliffhanger at the end of the Dalek story. You know, where everyone fell over a bit. The action picked up straight away as everyone starts getting up and looking like they're all suffering from a really bad tequila and gin cocktail hangover.

"Please tell me I didn't shag the Dr last night"

Ian then appears to be suffering from some sort of amnesia as he says to Babs -

“You're working late tonight Miss Wright” - maybe he is starting to repress all that has happened because he is finally succumbing to guilt from the attempted rape and murder of one of his students. The amnesia doesn't last long but for some unknown reason the lot of them are acting really fucking weird and Susan suddenly develops a phobia of the food machine.

"This bacon doesn't have any salt on it! AGGGGH!"

Susa continues to get more and more agitated and freaked out, like someone on a really bad acid trip, and then starts screaming that there's "something" inside the ship. Right. Whatever Love. The TARDIS doors then open for no reason, cue comedy moment when Ian walks towards them and then they close. LOL! Susan's trip finally gets too much for her and she passes out. Thank fuck.

"Watch the Old Man - I'm taking her for some fun"

Ian uses the opportunity to drag Susan off to a bed. He lays her down and starts preparing to violate her unconcious body. Unfortunately for him, before he has a chance Susan wakes up again and is not happy. She has now learned to fight back, and she goes after her ex-teacher with a pair of scissors.

"Do that again and I'll cut your dick off"

In a sick twist she can't bring herself to harm her abuser, so she just attacks the mattress instead. Cut to Babs who is having a go at the Doctor for being an old codger (she's still trying to keep him busy as she thinks Ian is raping Susan, remember) and starts babbling that Susan might be right and something might have got on the ship blah blah whatever. Having been unable to finish Ian off Susan then takes her scissors and goes after Barbara.

Scissor Sisters

Obviously Susan's not gonna hurt anyone as that would be too interesting. But then she starts rambling on about the ship being invaded by shadows and possessing them. Well what she actually says is "it could be in one of us"... dirty bitch. After she has recovered (sort of\) they're all hanging out in the control room again and the telly in there starts up a slideshow which for some bizarre reason really freaks them all out.

Now settle down and watch Star Trek

It's then Dr Who's turn to go psycho as he accuses the teachers of sabotaging the TARDIS. And then Barbara has a nervous breakdown after seeing a melted clock and a broken watch (don't ask - I've no fucking idea what is supposed to be going on). The Doc then convinces everyone to drink some of his whiskey which I think he had laced with something as everyone passes out. He then decides to get in on the pervy action by copping a feel of the sleeping Barbara, however before he gets a chance someone from behind gives him a massage.

Dr Who's cum face

Seriously, what the fuck was this episode about? What a fucking JOKE! It was awful! All I can say is that in the next episode these shadows or whatever the fuck they are better show themselves. And they better be seriously awesome creepy ass monster things like the shadows in Babylon 5.

The Brink of Disaster

Surprisingly (not) it turned out to be Ian giving the Doc a massage. Well isn't that nice? The Doc still doesn't trust Ian or Barbara... there's still no sign of any monsters... the Doc wants to ditch the teachers and shove them off the ship... but he doesn't. Yawn. Where the fuck are some aliens?

"While you're down there..."

Susan appears to a funky music sting. A foghorn goes off. Still no aliens. There's not even any mention of the tantalisingly promised fucking shadows from the last episode. Ian spazzes out and decides to massage Barbara as well.

"I'm getting good at this now"

Dr Who then goes into hyperbole overdrive spouting bollocks such as: "The ship is at the point of disintegration!", "We are on the brink of destruc - of destruction!", "All four of us are to blame!" and best of all "Could it be possible... that this is the end?". And I've no fucking idea why he says all this shit, where he actually gets the idea that they're in danger from, or more importantly what the fuck is going on? Why did the clock melt? Barbara says some bullshit about time stopping and then catching up or some fucking nonsense and then the Doc theorises the ship is trying to tell them something is wrong. WHAT? Where are the aliens? Where are the shadows?

The Dr preps his hands for Barbara tit gropage

And do you know what it fucking was? It was a fucking stuck spring.... WHAT THE FUCK? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE? HOW DID THAT MELT THE CLOCKS? HOW DID IT CAUSE EVERYONE TO GO PSYCHO? WHAT!? WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!

High Tech 60s prop

And as for the characters - well no-one seems bothered about what a nutcase Susan had been at all. Ian forgives the Dr far too quickly for accusing them and trying to force them off the ship, and although Barbara is a bit hesitant at first to forgive him it just takes some bollocks about how “as we learn about each other so we learn about ourselves” and Babs falls for it. Stupid bitch.

"Barbara can you help me with this raging stiffy I have?"

Seriously, the whole story is utterly diabolical. It makes that crap with the cavement look good in comparison. Avoid it like the plague.

Next Time...

The cliffhanger to the next story has the gang landing on a snowy mountain where they find a giant footprint, so I am hoping for some fun shenanigans involving the abominable snowman. It's gotta be better than The Edge of Fucking Destruction, right?

Episodes 5-11: Doctor Who and the DALEKS!

"Oh Boy Oh Boy OH BOY!" Were my thoughts when I first picked up this DVD case, I'm only on to the second Dr Who story and already it's time for the DALEKS! I mean, DALEKS! Those iconic, um, things that everyone loves to hate! I was so happy and really thought the Daleks would help make that godawful caveman bollocks a distant memory. So, let's crack on...

Part 1: The Dead Planet

Although I was a bit pissed off at the end of the Caveman story that it looks like Dr Who and the gang had landed in another crappy fucking jungle set I was relieved that this jungle is a much better one, it's a bit freaky and there's lots of weird shit in there like stone lizards.

A stone lizard... ooooh scary!

As the TARDIS crew have a squiz at the forest it is interesting to see that at this point there is still some menaced directed towards Susan by the schoolteachers, as Ian cruelly smashes up some flower Susan picked in some kind of clear psycho headfuck with her. To be fair, at this point though I was on Ian's side as the stupid cunt Susan didn't check the fucking radiation meter properly and the gang are wandering about in DANGEROUS levels of radiation! Stupid fucking bitch!

Never seen a fucking flower before? Bitch.

As the gang  continue to soak in the deadly radiation Dr Who drops a massive bombshell to the teachers - he might never be able to get them home! Ooops, bet you're wishing you weren't such a pair of nosey perverts now, ay? Dr Who, then being a particularly malicious bastard continues to try and piss Ian off even more by continually getting his name wrong calling him Chesterfield when he knows full well that Ian's surname is Chesterton. Although to be fair it is a stupid name. Ian gets his own back on the Doc though as they spy a "magnificent" (ahem) city from the forest and Ian refuses to let Dr Who go down there, and subtextually I think there's a clear threat of violence if the Doc disobeys.

City supplied by Blue Peter

So far, so boring, where are the fucking titular DALEKS to? (Ha, titular) The story then grinds to a complete fucking halt as the crew troop back into the TARDIS to arse about playing with a food machine. Seriously? Is this supposed to be exciting? Am I supposed to be wowing? Were 60s audiences amazed by this? Or were they sat there wishing for the fucking pottery wheel show to come back on?

Dr, with zis food bar you are really spoiling us!

Blah blah, still no Daleks. Where's the DVD case? The tension is then supposedly amped up as after the interminable food machine bollocks there is a mysterious tapping sound. Ooooooh! And Susan starts banging on about how she's sure someone groped her in the forest even though no-one else could see or hear anyone. Ian was in a mood with her so it wouldn't've been him. Maybe Barbara though...

Barbara goes in for another go

Anyway, just as they are all about to piss off and go somewhere else the TARDIS... doesn't work! What could be wrong? Well conveniently, Dr Who checks and oops-a-fucking-daisy some important piece of equipment is out of gas (well, mercury, but whatever) and so he declares they have to go to the city to look for some as he hasn't got any left. I mean, seriously, the others buy this story far too easily and as such the lot of them just plummeted in my opinion as they are clearly completely gullible morons.

Chillaxin in the radiation-drenched forest

So the freaky foursome head off for the city, but just as they do, they see a weird metal box outside the TARDIS. Has Susan dropped her pencil case or did someone else leave it? No matter, they just throw it in the TARDIS and head off. STILL NO DALEKS! They get to the city to find it all spooky and empty. Ooooh. It's also all futuristic and science-fictiony looking with funny corrdiors and low doorways. As they investigate Babs is seperated from the rest of them and, and, and.... is MENANCED BY A SINK-PLUNGER! A DALEK! Yes! Just at the end of the episode we see a Dalek arm! About fucking time! I have high hopes for the next episode...

Agh! You had that down the toilet!

Parts 2-4: The Survivors, The Escape, and The Ambush


DALEKS! Yes, DALEKS! But, they're a bit naff really. The Daleks we see here are nowhere near as cool, kick-ass or awesome as the amazing flying super-wicked Daleks that I saw on telly menancing David Tennant. They look smaller, they move clumsily, and they can't even fly. Plus they're a bit namby-pambyish at times. When Dr Who, Susan and Ian first see them a Dalek shoots Ian and... it gives him a dead leg. Seriously, it doesn't even permanently paralyse him it just gives him a dead fucking leg! What a joke!

Daleks! About fucking time!

The Daleks decide to tell the guys a long and fascinating(!) story about how they had been at war with someother people on the planet called "Thals" and there was a nuclear bomb that mutated them and made the planet all irradiated (yeah that's why you're all feeling ill because you have radiation poisoning you twats) and also Dr Who admits that there's nothing wrong withe the equipment and he tricked them. The Daleks then lock them all up (rather than exterminating them for some reason) but out of the kindness of their hearts they let one of the four go back to the TARDIS to get the pencil tin they found on the off chance it had drugs in it in a strange leap of deduction. Ian is gonna go but pretends that his legs are still bad and so they get Susan to go instead (bastards) even though she's fucking terrified.

Susan has the drugs and now has to go back through the forest - boo fucking hoo.

After some yawn-inducing scenes of Susan running through the forest and having psycho-flashbacks to things people were saying she gets the drugs from the TARDIS and sets back off. As she does, she encounters a vision of Nazi perfection - a big blonde bloke who looks as gay as a Elton John's hairstylist - a Thal! - and he gives her even more drugs to take back. The Daleks decide to be all chummy with Susan and let the 4 prisoners take the anti-radiation drugs. They then get the dumb teenager to write a letter to the Thals saying how they want to be friends honest and that they should come for a big party. I smell shenanigans!

 

A friendly Dalek brings food for the TARDIS crew

To give the regulars some credit they realise that as the Daleks are still holding them prisoner they're probably not that keen on being best mates with the Thals. They cook up a dastardly plot to escape, involving a cloak that Hunky Thal gave to Susan, a bowl of water, and some mud from the bottom of Barbara's shoe. The gang scuffle with the Dalek waiter that has been attending to them and mange to get the top off. Inside the Dalek is a big blob! Ew! They throw the blob in the corner of the room and, in a moment of utter madness, Ian gets inside the Dalek casing! Fucking hell, genius I grant you but I would've got claustrophobic like mad!

Taking a Dalek's top off - kinky!

By this point I was getting a bit bored to be fair, and was still feeling let down by the crapness of the Daleks - the Daleks in this story can't even move over carpets because they're apparrently powered by static electriciry - bollocks. Luckily, the escape plan grabbed my attention again and to be fair there was quite a bit of tension. Ian manages to get the others past all the Daleks and into a room with a lift in it before the Daleks realise what is happening. Dr Who and the women get in the lift but have to leave Ian because the floor had been magnetised! Oh no! And the Daleks are welding through the door to get to him! DRAMA! Will Ian escape... well he's a regular so of course he fucking will.

Damn it! The bastard escaped!

So yay, the gang are out and they can escape back to the TARDIS and live happily ever after. Oh shit, expect for that fucking letter Susan wrote about the party that the Daleks posted to the Thals. Dr Who thinks tough shit he aint helping the Thals, but Ian decides to be all hunky and GO BACK INTO THE CITY to warn the Thals that the Daleks are a bunch of lying twats. Well Ian, you'd be a bit more impressive if you actually DID SOMETHING! When he's snuck back into the city some old geezer who I guess is the Thals leader is standing around giving a speech about peace and shit, and Ian decides to stand around hiding behind a corner until he's finished speaking! Nice one Ian, thanks to you he gets exterminated (although about bloody time someone was exterminated!).

Toilet Roll, anyone?

Well he at least does manage to get the others out, and they all escape back to the forest to hang out with the other Thals. Before they leave some Bimbo Barbie Thal Bird tells the Doctor all about the yawn-inducing history of their planet, and Ian tries to urge the Thal men to go back to the Dalek city and kill all the Daleks before they have the chance to kill the rest of the Thals. Blah blah blah, so is the story gonna end now? Finally they decide to just leave and let the wuss ass Thal losers die quietly, but, but, but, THEY'D LEFT THE FUCKING PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN THE DALEK CITY! What! What! WHAT!? This story STILL isn't over! There's more episodes! For fuck's sake!

There's 3 more episodes left... Dear God...

Parts 5-7: The Expedition, The Ordeal, and The Rescue

*Breathe*, OK so I've calmed down a bit now and have accepted that there's three more episodes left of this story. Or I had until I started watching. The basic storyline of the last 3 episodes is that now Dr Who, the Teachers, the teenager and the Thals are all going back to the Dalek City. Again. But despite it taken them minutes to do so in the earlier episodes this time it's going to take a tears-inducing three episodes to trek back. What a fucking joke!

I'm taking the bimbo, you benders probably don't know what to do with her anyway

After about ten fucking minutes of Ian trying to convince the pacifist twats to help them, they split into 2 groups. Dr Who, Susan, Hunky Bloke and Bimbo head to the city from the front, whilst Ian, Barbara, Hunky Bloke 2, Stocky Bloke, and some Generic Thal Gun-Fodder take it from the rear (snigger!). You just know that when someone says "only a fool would attack the city from the lake" that minutes later they will be planning to... attack the city from the lake, and sure enough going the back way entails going through the elusive lake.

A lake mutant! Eek!

To amp up the tension even more, back at Dalek city the Daleks have been doing experiments with the anti-radiation drugs. They have discovered that they have become dependent on radiation (REALLY??!) and as such are gonna blow up another nuclear bomb!

"What's the ticker tape say?" "We've run out of milk."

Blah, blah, whatever. As they prepare to traverse the lake (aka a puddle) Barbara flirts outrageously with Hunky Thal 2, the slag, I thought she was shagging Ian? And the mysterious puddle turns into a whirlpool to swallow up one of the generic fodder they took with them, seemingly just to provide us with an appropriate cliffhanger.

Dizzy, my head is spinning, like a whirlpool...

Moving swiftly on as no-one spares a tear for their deceased companion, "going the lake way" actually seems to mainly entail going through some fucking caves (or "through the mountains" as they put it). Meanwhile, they should all be kicking themselves as the Dr's group have effortlessly got to the city from the front way (the easy way) and the Dr and Susan are in the city sabotaging the Dalek computers while Ian and that lot are still in the stinking caves.

Take that! Dalek slags!

But the pair of them are not careful enough and are captured. Again. And the Daleks still don't kill them. But instead just decide to tie them up and explain every detail of the plan to blow up their nuclear reactor instead. As you do. Meanwhile back in the caves Stocky Thal is being a whiny cowardly cunt probably because the writer thought he needed some more character drama or conflict. Or something. But it's just fucking annoying for the viewer, so I was absolutely elated when the twat fell down some cliffs to his death. But they still dragged the whole thing on for far too fucking long.

Just die already!

Boo Hoo, what a sad fucking loss, oh woe, everyone's fucking gutted and they think they've failed until... Ian finds a hole in a wall that goes straight through to the Daleks' boiler room! Hooray! The race is on now in the tension-filled final episode! I was on the edge of my seat! Would the good guys win? Would the Daleks explode their reactor and kll everyone? And why do they need to countdown from a hundred before they do it? To answer all of these questions... yes, no and I have no fucking idea.

Take that! And that! And this!

Yes the day is saved! The Thals are free. The Daleks are all dead (or so it seems) and Dr Who and company are off on another adventure! Which apparrently involves falling over a bit judging by the cliffhanger to the next story, I can hardly wait...


In Conclusion

Well it was a bit shit, wasn't it? Seven fucking episodes of just trekking back and forth between the Dalek city and the forest. And the Daleks were seriously disappointing. They are even shitter when you factor in the fact that the Thals - the most lame ass alien race ever seen on tv or film - are able to kick their asses at the end. I mean - they're able to defeat them just by throwing rocks! ROCKS?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! How the fuck did the Daleks go on to be so popular after this story? I can't believe they ever bothered to bring them back.

Character wise, the characters are all... well, pretty much as they were in the first story. Dr Who came off even worse though, a right vicious old cunt, tricking the others into exploring the city, and never wanting to help the Thals even when he's the one that got them into trouble.

Susan carried on being a whiney little brat, only the whole incident with the radiation meter makes her incompetent as well. Get her blasted into space ASAP in my opinion!

Initially, Ian came across quite well, seeming to care more about the Thal people than Dr Who did, but on closer inspection it just seems like all he really cares about is looking all hunky. The incident when the Thal leader was blasted and Ian stood by and let it happen is particularly telling.

Barbara was just a slag-tastic cock tease. Although I grudgingly admit she was resourceful with her idea to make mud using dirt from her shoes to slap onto the Dalek's eye stalk. I'll be keeping an eye on her.

OK, to be fair the story wasn't THAT bad but at seven episodes it was too fucking long. I just seriously hope the next story is shorter, please...

Episodes 1-4: Doctor Who and the Stupid Cavemen

Or as it says on the DVD cover "An Unearthly Child", but my title sums up the story better, trust me. Bloody hell guys, what have I let myself in for. On the whole the hour and a half or so it took me to watch this adventure was difficult, at best. There were times when I lost the will to live, but I've committed myself to this thing so I'm gonna bloody see it through. Anyway, here we go...


Episode 1: An Unearthly Child

OK, so it started out not so bad. The title sequence was weird but kind of cool, a bit disappointed there wasn't any whizzing TARDIS or wicked lightning effects like there is on Doctor Who now, but it was alright. Then a policeman is walking around by the TARDIS as he listens to the music, and it's well SHPOOKY, or maybe even the word I'm looking for is atmospheric, which is a big word for me!

Teenagers are Cool

                                                                

Right loves, anyway after that the story shifts into a comprehensive school packed with well street swinging 60s teenagers.This was definitely a good move, as I used to love Grange Hill back in the day so I'm all up for a bit of angsty schoolkid drama-rama. Well unfortunately for me instead of sexy teenage gossip we instead get stuck with two pathetic looking middle aged teachers gossiping about one of their pupils, Susan, because they think she's weird - how fucking unproffesional - and they then harass the pupil and try to get her to get into a car with them, but luckily the sensible schoolgirl says no to the two weird old teachers.

Susan dances to pop music - how "unearthly", er, not

                                        


After Susan's lucky escape from lecherous teachers Ian and Barbara - did they not have CRB checks for teachers back in the 60s? - the perverted twosome are undeterred and follow her home. As they stalk her and no doubt plan whatever nefarious deeds they want to do to her, they continue to rationalise out loud their reasons for targetting this poor girl.

Sicko teachers follow student

                                                         

Apparrently they think Susan is a bit wacky. She likes history lessons and is very interested in science, too. She gets frustrated in science lessons because she thinks Ian is a crap teacher - probably his reasons for going after her - and seems to know more about science than him. The teachers follow her into a junkyard, but as they enter, thinking that she is now trapped with no escape, they are disappointed to discover that she appears to have given them the shake off.

Susan shows up her teacher in class - she's gonna pay for that

                                                      

As the teachers pace around the junkyard, they spot the TARDIS, um a policebox. It turns out that the TARDIS actually looks like something that is a real thing, sort of a telephone box for Policemen? I don't know if this is something that was real or just made up for the show. Anyway, the teachers think that Susan may have hid from them in there, and they are about to break in to get to her when an old man turns up. And guess what, it turns out the old man is Doctor Who!

William Hartnell - definitely less shaggable than Matt Smith

                                    


I mean - what the fuck were they thinking? Seriously? How are people supposed to want to watch this show when the main character is some old Grandad! TV people in the 60s were clearly stupid, had they not learned that sex sells everything? Gah! Anyway, after the two perverts then start accusing Doctor Who of being the pervert and locking Susan up in the TARDIS, Susan makes the stupid mistake of thinking everything is OK, and she opens the TARDIS door, and then the teachers are able to break in!

Susan looking scared - what are the teachers going to do to her?

                                    


Well, even after they break in and see that the TARDIS is bigger on the inside than the outside, they're still intent on taking Susan away and doing perverse things to her. Doctor Who is obviously not keen on this, it turns out he's Susan's Grandfather, and instead of letting them kidnap her he decides to kidnap them! By making the TARDIS travel through tiiiiiimmeeee and spaaaaaaaaaace! I think this is what was happening as all this bleepy music started and there were lots of swirly things on the telly.

Something swirly - must be time travel

The TARDIS then lands in some kind of weird desert and a scary shadow is cast.... ooooooooh! I can tell you I was literally pissing myself with suspense at this point!

Shadows are pants-wettingly scary

Well, in all seriousness the first episode here was alright for something so old, AND in black and white! The story of two pervy old teachers who stalk one of their students is not at all how I imagined Doctor Who had started life, in fact, I wouldn't have ever thought Doctor Who had ever had an episode like that! Anyway, now on to the rest...



Episodes 2-4: The Cave of Skulls, The Forest of Fear, and The Firemaker

Well after all the harrowing psychological tension of the first episode, it turns out the rest of the story is about some bloody bollocky cavemen. WHO CARES?!

The Man with the shadow

They're all ugly, they all look stupid, and they're really annoying. Anyway, pressing on. The bits which have Dr Who, his granddaughter and the sicko teachers in it are still alright. It's kind of fun seeing Ian and Barbara scared and confused at where they are and how they could have got there, though I was a bit disappointed that Dr Who didn't punish them more for trying to abuse Susan, I thought at first that he was going to murder them horribly. Which would have been interesting.

Susan escorts the paedo-perves into the unknown

It should be said, to be fair, that for a dirty old pervert Ian is actually quite sexy, he's certainly got more going for him than the geriatric Doctor. But I still believe that trying to assault your 15 year old student is wrong. I have some morals believe it or not. Anyway back to the exciting cavemen, blah blah blah, the cavemen don't like Dr Who and company, blah blah blah the cavemen want to make fire, all the kind of usual bollocks that you'd expect from some crap One Million Years BC rip off B-Movie.

I bet she drinks Carling Black Label

The merry gang play a fun game of capture, escape, capture escape throughout the rest of the story, and Susan just screams a lot while the other three argue - though to be fair to Susan she's probably still recovering from the trauma of being stalked and harassed by two of her schoolteachers - the other three really have no excuse and should seriously get some fucking perspective, the cavemen really should pose no threat to them if they'd just got their priorities straight! Morons.

Doctor Who: "Do you think I'm sexier than Matt Smith hmmmm?"

One interesting point that is sadly not really explored in the story, which seems more concerned with boring power struggles over fire and locking up Doctor Who and co in caves, is that in this caveman society all the people seem to sleep together in some big orgy. I was actually very disappointed that this fascinating aspect of their culture was so quickly brushed over.

The Cavemen invite Barbara to join their sexytime orgy

 But then, unfortunately for us, the writer clearly felt that we would be more thrilled with more capture, escape, fire, capture, escape, fire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The story does perk up a bit in Episode 4 when we get a proper good fight scene which Quentin would LOVE as it's ridiculously homo-erotic and pervy.

That's the money shot

While this did perk me up for a few minutes we then get some more relentless scenes of the four travellers trapsing back through the crap fucking jungle set to get back to the TARDIS, so obviously my head hit the pillow again at that point. Seriously, amongst all the capture escape fire shenanigans there was FAR too much arsing around this crap jungle set, including one stupid scene where Barbara is scared stiff by a really unconvinving looking dead pig. I mean why not just use a real dead pig? I know a pig that can be used should anyone want to recreate this scene...

He couldn't bear another episode of this crap

And just when we think it's all over, and they get back to the bloody TARDIS, and set off somewhere else, where do they land? Another crap looking jungle set. I'm sooooooo looking forward to the next story...


In Conclusion

I'm sorry, but it was bloody awful! OK, the first episode was alright, like I said, but the rest of it... I mean what a fucking joke! What were they thinking? I can't believe it wasn't cancelled by Episode 4. Really the only saving grace of the last 3 episodes is the characters. No, not the bloody cavemen! The time travellers.

Dr Who admires a cavewoman's arse

Doctor Who, despite being completely unsexy is a very intriguing character. He's a right old bastard compared to Matt Smith who at one point wants to smash a caveman's head in, which is quite cool and totally what I would have done. And he smokes a pipe. Classy.

Susan contemplates what her teachers had in store for her

Susan, like I said, screams a lot, but she's got a kooky ookiness that appeals to me, also she's the one who comes up with the idea of how to escape the Cavemen at the end. Usually the Dr Who girl has a bit of a will they/won't they thing going on with the Dr, but as Susan is his granddaughter I'm assuming that this won't be the case here. I may be proved wrong.

Ian and Barbara when they realise the horror of what they had planned for Susan

The teachers almost redeemed themselves from the filthy perves they were in the first episode. Ian especially is downright heroic. I wait to see if future adventures will have them continue down this route or if they're going to plot against Susan again.

Next Episode: Another Crappy Jungle Set

Well at this stage I'm just  glad it's all over though, there might be another crappy jungle set coming up, but as long as there's no more cavemen I'll be happy!