Episodes 1-4: Doctor Who and the Stupid Cavemen

Or as it says on the DVD cover "An Unearthly Child", but my title sums up the story better, trust me. Bloody hell guys, what have I let myself in for. On the whole the hour and a half or so it took me to watch this adventure was difficult, at best. There were times when I lost the will to live, but I've committed myself to this thing so I'm gonna bloody see it through. Anyway, here we go...


Episode 1: An Unearthly Child

OK, so it started out not so bad. The title sequence was weird but kind of cool, a bit disappointed there wasn't any whizzing TARDIS or wicked lightning effects like there is on Doctor Who now, but it was alright. Then a policeman is walking around by the TARDIS as he listens to the music, and it's well SHPOOKY, or maybe even the word I'm looking for is atmospheric, which is a big word for me!

Teenagers are Cool

                                                                

Right loves, anyway after that the story shifts into a comprehensive school packed with well street swinging 60s teenagers.This was definitely a good move, as I used to love Grange Hill back in the day so I'm all up for a bit of angsty schoolkid drama-rama. Well unfortunately for me instead of sexy teenage gossip we instead get stuck with two pathetic looking middle aged teachers gossiping about one of their pupils, Susan, because they think she's weird - how fucking unproffesional - and they then harass the pupil and try to get her to get into a car with them, but luckily the sensible schoolgirl says no to the two weird old teachers.

Susan dances to pop music - how "unearthly", er, not

                                        


After Susan's lucky escape from lecherous teachers Ian and Barbara - did they not have CRB checks for teachers back in the 60s? - the perverted twosome are undeterred and follow her home. As they stalk her and no doubt plan whatever nefarious deeds they want to do to her, they continue to rationalise out loud their reasons for targetting this poor girl.

Sicko teachers follow student

                                                         

Apparrently they think Susan is a bit wacky. She likes history lessons and is very interested in science, too. She gets frustrated in science lessons because she thinks Ian is a crap teacher - probably his reasons for going after her - and seems to know more about science than him. The teachers follow her into a junkyard, but as they enter, thinking that she is now trapped with no escape, they are disappointed to discover that she appears to have given them the shake off.

Susan shows up her teacher in class - she's gonna pay for that

                                                      

As the teachers pace around the junkyard, they spot the TARDIS, um a policebox. It turns out that the TARDIS actually looks like something that is a real thing, sort of a telephone box for Policemen? I don't know if this is something that was real or just made up for the show. Anyway, the teachers think that Susan may have hid from them in there, and they are about to break in to get to her when an old man turns up. And guess what, it turns out the old man is Doctor Who!

William Hartnell - definitely less shaggable than Matt Smith

                                    


I mean - what the fuck were they thinking? Seriously? How are people supposed to want to watch this show when the main character is some old Grandad! TV people in the 60s were clearly stupid, had they not learned that sex sells everything? Gah! Anyway, after the two perverts then start accusing Doctor Who of being the pervert and locking Susan up in the TARDIS, Susan makes the stupid mistake of thinking everything is OK, and she opens the TARDIS door, and then the teachers are able to break in!

Susan looking scared - what are the teachers going to do to her?

                                    


Well, even after they break in and see that the TARDIS is bigger on the inside than the outside, they're still intent on taking Susan away and doing perverse things to her. Doctor Who is obviously not keen on this, it turns out he's Susan's Grandfather, and instead of letting them kidnap her he decides to kidnap them! By making the TARDIS travel through tiiiiiimmeeee and spaaaaaaaaaace! I think this is what was happening as all this bleepy music started and there were lots of swirly things on the telly.

Something swirly - must be time travel

The TARDIS then lands in some kind of weird desert and a scary shadow is cast.... ooooooooh! I can tell you I was literally pissing myself with suspense at this point!

Shadows are pants-wettingly scary

Well, in all seriousness the first episode here was alright for something so old, AND in black and white! The story of two pervy old teachers who stalk one of their students is not at all how I imagined Doctor Who had started life, in fact, I wouldn't have ever thought Doctor Who had ever had an episode like that! Anyway, now on to the rest...



Episodes 2-4: The Cave of Skulls, The Forest of Fear, and The Firemaker

Well after all the harrowing psychological tension of the first episode, it turns out the rest of the story is about some bloody bollocky cavemen. WHO CARES?!

The Man with the shadow

They're all ugly, they all look stupid, and they're really annoying. Anyway, pressing on. The bits which have Dr Who, his granddaughter and the sicko teachers in it are still alright. It's kind of fun seeing Ian and Barbara scared and confused at where they are and how they could have got there, though I was a bit disappointed that Dr Who didn't punish them more for trying to abuse Susan, I thought at first that he was going to murder them horribly. Which would have been interesting.

Susan escorts the paedo-perves into the unknown

It should be said, to be fair, that for a dirty old pervert Ian is actually quite sexy, he's certainly got more going for him than the geriatric Doctor. But I still believe that trying to assault your 15 year old student is wrong. I have some morals believe it or not. Anyway back to the exciting cavemen, blah blah blah, the cavemen don't like Dr Who and company, blah blah blah the cavemen want to make fire, all the kind of usual bollocks that you'd expect from some crap One Million Years BC rip off B-Movie.

I bet she drinks Carling Black Label

The merry gang play a fun game of capture, escape, capture escape throughout the rest of the story, and Susan just screams a lot while the other three argue - though to be fair to Susan she's probably still recovering from the trauma of being stalked and harassed by two of her schoolteachers - the other three really have no excuse and should seriously get some fucking perspective, the cavemen really should pose no threat to them if they'd just got their priorities straight! Morons.

Doctor Who: "Do you think I'm sexier than Matt Smith hmmmm?"

One interesting point that is sadly not really explored in the story, which seems more concerned with boring power struggles over fire and locking up Doctor Who and co in caves, is that in this caveman society all the people seem to sleep together in some big orgy. I was actually very disappointed that this fascinating aspect of their culture was so quickly brushed over.

The Cavemen invite Barbara to join their sexytime orgy

 But then, unfortunately for us, the writer clearly felt that we would be more thrilled with more capture, escape, fire, capture, escape, fire zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The story does perk up a bit in Episode 4 when we get a proper good fight scene which Quentin would LOVE as it's ridiculously homo-erotic and pervy.

That's the money shot

While this did perk me up for a few minutes we then get some more relentless scenes of the four travellers trapsing back through the crap fucking jungle set to get back to the TARDIS, so obviously my head hit the pillow again at that point. Seriously, amongst all the capture escape fire shenanigans there was FAR too much arsing around this crap jungle set, including one stupid scene where Barbara is scared stiff by a really unconvinving looking dead pig. I mean why not just use a real dead pig? I know a pig that can be used should anyone want to recreate this scene...

He couldn't bear another episode of this crap

And just when we think it's all over, and they get back to the bloody TARDIS, and set off somewhere else, where do they land? Another crap looking jungle set. I'm sooooooo looking forward to the next story...


In Conclusion

I'm sorry, but it was bloody awful! OK, the first episode was alright, like I said, but the rest of it... I mean what a fucking joke! What were they thinking? I can't believe it wasn't cancelled by Episode 4. Really the only saving grace of the last 3 episodes is the characters. No, not the bloody cavemen! The time travellers.

Dr Who admires a cavewoman's arse

Doctor Who, despite being completely unsexy is a very intriguing character. He's a right old bastard compared to Matt Smith who at one point wants to smash a caveman's head in, which is quite cool and totally what I would have done. And he smokes a pipe. Classy.

Susan contemplates what her teachers had in store for her

Susan, like I said, screams a lot, but she's got a kooky ookiness that appeals to me, also she's the one who comes up with the idea of how to escape the Cavemen at the end. Usually the Dr Who girl has a bit of a will they/won't they thing going on with the Dr, but as Susan is his granddaughter I'm assuming that this won't be the case here. I may be proved wrong.

Ian and Barbara when they realise the horror of what they had planned for Susan

The teachers almost redeemed themselves from the filthy perves they were in the first episode. Ian especially is downright heroic. I wait to see if future adventures will have them continue down this route or if they're going to plot against Susan again.

Next Episode: Another Crappy Jungle Set

Well at this stage I'm just  glad it's all over though, there might be another crappy jungle set coming up, but as long as there's no more cavemen I'll be happy!