Sunday, 1 September 2013
Episodes 21-27: The Keys of Marinus
Coming soon, got a major hangover from watching the X Factor last night, and Sharon Osborne pissed in my bed!
Monday, 15 July 2013
Episodes 14-20: Marco Polo
Hey there loyal Fanny fans. At my current rate of watching Dr Who stories I should be finished in about... 400 years! OK, I need to pick up the pace. Before I start with Marco Polo I'd like to remind you all of the movie Pet Sematary. In it Herman Munster says to Tasha Yar's husband in an ominous voice... "Sometimes, dead is better". What he should have said is "Sometimes, dead is better than sitting through a 7 part historical Dr Who slideshow from 1964". Confused? Read on, and all will be clear.
Don't think much of Barbara's new hairdo
Episode 1: The Roof of the World... in GLORIOUS COLOUR!
My first obstacle in watching this story was when I went to my owners' Dr Who DVD collection to find out that for some reason they didn't have Marco Polo? Confused, I fired up the computer (and lit a cigarette) and headed to You Tube. As expected, all episodes seemed to be avaliable there. I settled down and started episode 1 and was immediately as surprised and delighted as John Nathan Turner felt after being persuaded to stay. It seemed that I had finally finished Dr Who's Black and White era and was now into the colour episodes. I sat patiently as the story recapped what happened at the end of the last episode when the TARDIS gang land on a snowy mountain and find a giant footprint only now IN COLOUR and then something strange happened. The picture seemed to freeze. I stopped and restarted. Same thing. I found a different upload. Same thing. So I did some research to find out what the fuck was going on. After some furious masturbating, I mean googling, APPARENTLY it turns out that for about 100 1960s Dr Who episodes the BBC burnt all the film reels (but kept the soundtracks?) and, long story short, to watch Marco Polo you have to listen to the sound whilst looking at a collection of colour photos someone took. I'M GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOTTLE OF LAMBRINI...
A SLIDESHOW! What is this, 1964?!!!
OKAY, On with the story. The first half of the episode has Dr Who and chums discussing the giant footprint. Sadly there is no giant yeti to be seen and instead the gang stumble across a group of folks led by the titular (that joke stopped being funny 2 stories ago) Marco Polo. Marco's not the brightest spark in the box as he seems to think the TARDIS is a caravan. He tells stories of the Mongols (so offensive) and their leader Kublai Khan Noonien Singh, and the Time Travellers agree to travel with them to Lop (not sure why). Oh by the way, there's also a guy called Tegana (think he's supposed to be the bad guy) and a 15 year old girl called Ping Pong.
Ricardo Montalban does not actually appear
The regulars all get some great material(!). Dr Who is ill, Ian educates everyone on the science of boling water, Barbara discovers that China is called Cathay in the olden days and Susan spends some quality time with Ping Pong where she discovers she's engaged to a 75 year old man she's never met. Suddenly her experiences with Ian and Barbara don't seem too bad? Susan also perculiarly thinks they're on another planet as she says "Fab is a word we often use on Earth". There's still something not right about that girl.
Why yes, my cock's much less wrinkly than that of a 75 year old
For those of you keeping track, Dr Who calls Ian "Chowton" instead of Chesterton. Add it to the list. I honestly can't remember what happened at the end of the episode... SIX MORE TO GO!!!!!
Episodes 2 - 6: A Unique Viewing Experience
Due to the torturous pain that watching the first episode was, I decided to spend a night getting very drunk and watching the rest of the episodes whilst flicking through late night TV. Due to alcohol and tiredness therefore this section may not represent a wholly accurate summation of the Dr Who episodes. Anyway, I digress.
Now they are fully aquainted, the TARDIS gang and their new associates head off to Peking to see Kublai Khan, for some reason or another. Unbeknownst to them, their old friends MacGyver, Samantha, Dr Daniel and Teal'c have used the Stargate to arrive at Peking before them. The Stargate crew discover that in thirteenth century Peking women are regarded as property and Samantha is fingered by a Mongol warlord as a potential new wife.
Kublai Khan wants Samantha Carter for his own
Meanwhile, back in the 'caravan' (seriously loves a load of people walking with a few carts and a mule is not a caravan) Susan and Ping Pong are seperated from the others during a storm, and are menaced by Tegana. The Doc, Ian and Marco surmise that Tegana wants to sell the girls to Kublai Khan in exchang for the Stargate and associated tech that lies in his power in Peking. Over in Peking Samantha is kidnapped by the Mongol warlords son who intends to sell her to Kublai Khan. MacGyver and Dr Daniel think their only option may be to betray their old friend Dr Who and offer his granddaughter Susan in exhange for Samantha when the caravan finally reaches Peking.
"with the Stargate AND the Tardis the Mongols will be unstoppable!"
Susan and Ping Pong have been found by their travelling companions and the group are now trekking across the Gobi Desert. As they travel, they run into Buffy Summers, who is in the Gobi Desert on a vision quest to find the First Slayer, looking for advice on how to halt the coming apocalypse. The Dr, Ian and Marco agree to act as Shahmans to aid Buffy in her quest, if Buffy helps them find water as they are all close to dying of thirst. Buffy meets the first slayer who helps her realise that through the fault of men there is only one slayer in the world and, angered, tells the Dr and co she will not help them and she hopes they do not make it to Peking where women are treated as property.
The first slayer would later travel with Tom Baker's Doctor
As Buffy leaves the desert through mystical energy created by her witch friend Willow, Proffessor Dumbledore appears drawn to the energy. He saves them all from thirst by using the aguamenti spell and agrees to accompany them to Peking as he is trying to stop the Dark Lord Kublai Khan from taking over the world. In the Cave of 500 Eyes, Kublai Khan has hidden a horcrux. Only in destroying all 7 horcruxes can Khan be thrwarted for good. Marco Polo locates the horcrux for Dumbledore but it is nearly too late, as zombie-like creatures called Inferi have infiltrated the cave and are menacing Barbara and Susan. Dr Who pulls out his ring to hypnotise the Inferi, and in the nick of time Dumbledore summons the energy to apparate the entire group to Khan's castle in Peking.
Can Dumbledore and Marco Polo defeat Kublai Khan for good?
There's still an episode left!!! What's going to happen????!!!
Episode 7: An Assasin at Pekin/Take 2
The next morning I realised I only had one episode left! But that I had no idea what had happened that didn't involve Wizards, Vampire Slayers or the SG1 team... AGHHHHHHH! I CAN'T SIT THROUGH THE LAST 5 EPISODES AGAIN!
Death would be preferable
Luckily I discovered that there is an edited version of Marco Polo that edits the 7 episodes down to a single episodes's length. THANK SATAN FOR THAT!
Obsessive nerdy types will be glad to know it's in black and white
While it's much more bearable, it's still a slideshow, it's still boring, and nothing still happens. Marco Polo is allegedly a Dr Who classic, but if you ask me it's no surprise this piece of shit was burnt, someone was trying to do us all a favour. Little did they know some lunatics would manage to piece something back together of it. Anyone thinking of watching the 7 episode slideshow may want to do something more pleasurable with their time. Like rub glass in their scalp for 3 hours.
NEXT TIME: DR WHO AND THE KEYS OF MARINUS.
Don't think much of Barbara's new hairdo
Episode 1: The Roof of the World... in GLORIOUS COLOUR!
My first obstacle in watching this story was when I went to my owners' Dr Who DVD collection to find out that for some reason they didn't have Marco Polo? Confused, I fired up the computer (and lit a cigarette) and headed to You Tube. As expected, all episodes seemed to be avaliable there. I settled down and started episode 1 and was immediately as surprised and delighted as John Nathan Turner felt after being persuaded to stay. It seemed that I had finally finished Dr Who's Black and White era and was now into the colour episodes. I sat patiently as the story recapped what happened at the end of the last episode when the TARDIS gang land on a snowy mountain and find a giant footprint only now IN COLOUR and then something strange happened. The picture seemed to freeze. I stopped and restarted. Same thing. I found a different upload. Same thing. So I did some research to find out what the fuck was going on. After some furious masturbating, I mean googling, APPARENTLY it turns out that for about 100 1960s Dr Who episodes the BBC burnt all the film reels (but kept the soundtracks?) and, long story short, to watch Marco Polo you have to listen to the sound whilst looking at a collection of colour photos someone took. I'M GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOTTLE OF LAMBRINI...
A SLIDESHOW! What is this, 1964?!!!
OKAY, On with the story. The first half of the episode has Dr Who and chums discussing the giant footprint. Sadly there is no giant yeti to be seen and instead the gang stumble across a group of folks led by the titular (that joke stopped being funny 2 stories ago) Marco Polo. Marco's not the brightest spark in the box as he seems to think the TARDIS is a caravan. He tells stories of the Mongols (so offensive) and their leader Kublai Khan Noonien Singh, and the Time Travellers agree to travel with them to Lop (not sure why). Oh by the way, there's also a guy called Tegana (think he's supposed to be the bad guy) and a 15 year old girl called Ping Pong.
Ricardo Montalban does not actually appear
The regulars all get some great material(!). Dr Who is ill, Ian educates everyone on the science of boling water, Barbara discovers that China is called Cathay in the olden days and Susan spends some quality time with Ping Pong where she discovers she's engaged to a 75 year old man she's never met. Suddenly her experiences with Ian and Barbara don't seem too bad? Susan also perculiarly thinks they're on another planet as she says "Fab is a word we often use on Earth". There's still something not right about that girl.
Why yes, my cock's much less wrinkly than that of a 75 year old
For those of you keeping track, Dr Who calls Ian "Chowton" instead of Chesterton. Add it to the list. I honestly can't remember what happened at the end of the episode... SIX MORE TO GO!!!!!
Episodes 2 - 6: A Unique Viewing Experience
Due to the torturous pain that watching the first episode was, I decided to spend a night getting very drunk and watching the rest of the episodes whilst flicking through late night TV. Due to alcohol and tiredness therefore this section may not represent a wholly accurate summation of the Dr Who episodes. Anyway, I digress.
Now they are fully aquainted, the TARDIS gang and their new associates head off to Peking to see Kublai Khan, for some reason or another. Unbeknownst to them, their old friends MacGyver, Samantha, Dr Daniel and Teal'c have used the Stargate to arrive at Peking before them. The Stargate crew discover that in thirteenth century Peking women are regarded as property and Samantha is fingered by a Mongol warlord as a potential new wife.
Kublai Khan wants Samantha Carter for his own
Meanwhile, back in the 'caravan' (seriously loves a load of people walking with a few carts and a mule is not a caravan) Susan and Ping Pong are seperated from the others during a storm, and are menaced by Tegana. The Doc, Ian and Marco surmise that Tegana wants to sell the girls to Kublai Khan in exchang for the Stargate and associated tech that lies in his power in Peking. Over in Peking Samantha is kidnapped by the Mongol warlords son who intends to sell her to Kublai Khan. MacGyver and Dr Daniel think their only option may be to betray their old friend Dr Who and offer his granddaughter Susan in exhange for Samantha when the caravan finally reaches Peking.
"with the Stargate AND the Tardis the Mongols will be unstoppable!"
Susan and Ping Pong have been found by their travelling companions and the group are now trekking across the Gobi Desert. As they travel, they run into Buffy Summers, who is in the Gobi Desert on a vision quest to find the First Slayer, looking for advice on how to halt the coming apocalypse. The Dr, Ian and Marco agree to act as Shahmans to aid Buffy in her quest, if Buffy helps them find water as they are all close to dying of thirst. Buffy meets the first slayer who helps her realise that through the fault of men there is only one slayer in the world and, angered, tells the Dr and co she will not help them and she hopes they do not make it to Peking where women are treated as property.
The first slayer would later travel with Tom Baker's Doctor
As Buffy leaves the desert through mystical energy created by her witch friend Willow, Proffessor Dumbledore appears drawn to the energy. He saves them all from thirst by using the aguamenti spell and agrees to accompany them to Peking as he is trying to stop the Dark Lord Kublai Khan from taking over the world. In the Cave of 500 Eyes, Kublai Khan has hidden a horcrux. Only in destroying all 7 horcruxes can Khan be thrwarted for good. Marco Polo locates the horcrux for Dumbledore but it is nearly too late, as zombie-like creatures called Inferi have infiltrated the cave and are menacing Barbara and Susan. Dr Who pulls out his ring to hypnotise the Inferi, and in the nick of time Dumbledore summons the energy to apparate the entire group to Khan's castle in Peking.
Can Dumbledore and Marco Polo defeat Kublai Khan for good?
There's still an episode left!!! What's going to happen????!!!
Episode 7: An Assasin at Pekin/Take 2
The next morning I realised I only had one episode left! But that I had no idea what had happened that didn't involve Wizards, Vampire Slayers or the SG1 team... AGHHHHHHH! I CAN'T SIT THROUGH THE LAST 5 EPISODES AGAIN!
Death would be preferable
Luckily I discovered that there is an edited version of Marco Polo that edits the 7 episodes down to a single episodes's length. THANK SATAN FOR THAT!
Obsessive nerdy types will be glad to know it's in black and white
While it's much more bearable, it's still a slideshow, it's still boring, and nothing still happens. Marco Polo is allegedly a Dr Who classic, but if you ask me it's no surprise this piece of shit was burnt, someone was trying to do us all a favour. Little did they know some lunatics would manage to piece something back together of it. Anyone thinking of watching the 7 episode slideshow may want to do something more pleasurable with their time. Like rub glass in their scalp for 3 hours.
NEXT TIME: DR WHO AND THE KEYS OF MARINUS.
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